Involuntary celibates might never tell you about the time they were an incel. But not all incels stay quiet forever.The subreddit r/IncelExit is a new community for incels who are actively making moves to leave incel forums, leaving behind a mindset that’s often characterised by self-pity, self-loathing and misogyny. It’s a place where incels can go if they want to ask questions without judgement. Many incels use it because they’re looking for people to change their perspective, or they might want to hear messages that are more positive than the doom and gloom they read on the forums. Advertisem*nt
‘FOR A LONG TIME I WAS JUST GOING ON REDDIT, BITCHING AND WALLOWING’
“Reddit is comforting. I was a nerd, I didn’t go to my first party until senior year at high school and I didn’t get laid until my first year of uni, so I was learning all this stuff from the position of a social outsider.“The blue pill is dedicated to mocking the red pill and initially I was posting things on the blue pill forums and mocking what incels said. Someone once asked me: “How are you an incel now, when you used to make fun of all this sh*t?” I said: ‘Things change.’ It’s been a journey. Advertisem*nt
News
This is what the life of an incel looks like
Elle Reeve
“Then I got my new job in education and it’s helped me to start humanising women again. The way these women at my job were treating me was so good that I couldn’t maintain this internet persona. I felt like a dickhe*d going back online and posting this sh*t, it was like leading a double life. I had to really chill.“On the forums, you do feel a sense of community and a weird sense of empowerment. It’s validating. It’s not a place for critical thinking, it’s an echo chamber where people get their fears confirmed. Incels often think looks are everything, but I’ve observed in my own life that it’s not the case. Generally these guys aren’t as ugly as they think, and if they had a good connection with a real woman they would be surprised by what she might be willing to do for them. I had a relationship recently and an incel would have said you two aren't the same race or height, you aren’t ‘looksmatches’, but relationships are way more complex than that.” —Kevin, 32 Advertisem*nt
‘I FEEL IT’S MORE OF A MINDSET TODAY THAN ACTUALLY BEING A VIRGIN’
“I've had sex with both men and women, so largely because of that I don’t call myself an incel anymore, but I feel it’s more of a mindset today than actually being a virgin. I used incel forums the most around 2016. I'd be on them for hours at a time –they were addictive. They definitely affected my mindset and made my world-view more toxic, but because misery loves company, I kept going back.“I don’t remember what got me into them. I think it started with me looking up social anxiety support and gradually I found them. But having regular communication with women was an essential part of me leaving [the forums], as well as having female friends. My attitudes changed over time. The red pill thing does really turn me off to the community [of incels], since it's so hopeless and there’s no real way to argue out of it. I feel gender stereotypes have kept me down for a long time, and incels really enforce them.“When I had sex for the first time, I realised that nothing changed. Most of my life, sex felt like this magical thing but it’s really not. Now that I've slept with several people, I know that if you’re not sexually compatible it can actually be very unpleasant. Sex isn't that important, but many people including myself really crave physical intimate touch like hugging, holding hands and cuddling. A lot of men don't have access to this outside of a romantic relationship, and the touch-starved feeling can do a lot of damage to your mental health. Advertisem*nt
Identity
The Life of the Skin-Hungry: Can You Go Crazy from a Lack Of Touch?
Sirin Kale
“Growing up you could get called gay for hugging your male friend, so I just kind of learned to not stand too close to men. Not understanding my sexuality led to a lot of fears and insecurities. I used to be scared that acknowledging I found some men sexy would mean that I was not allowed to date women. When I educated myself more, I realised that sexuality is very non-binary. I think a number of incels may have some kind of repressed hom*osexuality that they don’t know how to deal with. I’ve noticed that some incel communities can be pretty hom*ophobic as well, which fuels their internalised self hatred and denial.” — Jake, 19
‘I FELT LIKE I NEEDED THE INCELS’
“It was around April or May during the pandemic that I started using Reddit more and more. I first heard about incels on Reddit, because someone who was giving bad relationship advice was being called an incel as an insult. I looked into what that word meant, and I found people who were kind of like me. So I browsed all the vocabulary and started posting.“[The incels on there] couldn’t find anyone to sleep with and I was absolutely convinced that I couldn’t find anyone. It was nice meeting other people who felt the same. I really like my friends but I believe they could easily find someone, so this wasn’t something I could relate to them about. I felt like I needed the incels. I started posting about how I was frustrated with women and feeling sad and lonely. Advertisem*nt
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